Lets go back in time and play outside!

I have noticed that sometimes whenever I pass by certain things I get this Déjà vu feeling. Images pop into my head and I can never tell where they are from. Sometimes I pass by an apartment complex, or a huge lawn and see the same thing, but in different lighting. It's hard to explain, but it seems like everything is in a yellow tint. I have been trying to figure out where these images are from. I could have been Staten Island, Hemet, or Evansville. Then I noticed that every time these images pop in my head, it always makes me happier. They aren't from one of these places, they are from all of them. Why? Because these were the happiest times of my life...grades k-8.

P.S. 53 was the longest time I had ever been at a school. I went from first all the way through fifth. Any normal kid would have been able to grow up with the class they went to elementary school with. Not me. I wish I would have though. To me, those kids are the ones I should have graduated from high school with, not the ones in Evansville. Anyway, off that tangent, I see a lot of images of the park behind our school, the parks on the base, and the beach I would go to with my sister a lot. Though, I had a ton of friends and there would never be a day when I wasn't outside playing with someone, in these images I am alone. Strange isn't it? The ones I get the most often are at the beach, but these get me thinking about P.S 53 and how I miss a lot of those people. Especially the ones I can't find on facebook, but were really great friends.

California and Evansville don't come as often. I get some of south beach in california, and the ones from Evansville all have to do with hanging out with my friends on Berry Lane. Those were some fun times. We would play all sorts of games, build things, etc. I guess what this blog is about is the fact that I really miss those days. The days where you went outside with your friends and played games like four square, red rover, tag, basketball, build forts, etc. Now that I am almost 20, those years of carefree playing are gone. Every time I go home I try to get my friends together to play like we used to, but it never seems to work.

I miss being a kid so much. I keep thinking about all the fun things I did from grades k-8 and I wish I could go back and re-live just those years.

Deeper meanings in my subconscious

There are many times in my life where I wish I could just go somewhere alone, stare at the sky, and be lost in thought. I had a dream last night that represents this and my feelings towards some people.

I was at a house full of people. Everyone was celebrating a holiday. I'm not sure which one, but it seemed like 4th of July. I sat on the stairs alone listening to the laughter of the unwelcome guest. Nobody wanted her there, but he brought her along anyway. I didn't want to be near any of them. Preferably, I wanted to run until I reached Mexico, but that was very unrealistic at the time. So instead I quietly left the house. I walked around one neighborhood, then the next. I turned down so many different streets, I lost track of where I was. Not that it mattered. I didn't want to be found. Finally, in the back of one of the neighborhoods, I found a quiet dead end road. I walked to the very end of the loop and laid down. There were a few clouds in the sky and I made shapes out of them. After awhile I closed my eyes and let my mind take over. I was no longer on a cold concrete floor, but a white sandy beach. I felt at peace. Some time later, one of the guys in the house, the one who brought the unwelcome guest, found me. I heard his voice call out for me. My peaceful environment was interrupted with rage.

He asked me questions and begged me to come back, but I never opened my eyes or my mouth to speak to him. He wasn't a part of my serenity, he was the nightmare that was ruining it. As soon as the sound of his voice pierced my ears, my tranquil beach turned into a monstrous hurricane. I just wanted it to end. I kept quiet, trying to fight off the dark clouds. Finally, he gave up. He called me numerous bitter names and walked off. Once he turned the corner, my beach returned to it's tranquil state, only a few gray clouds lingered. His words did hurt a little, but I didn't want to dwell on them. My body remained on the pavement, my mind on the beach.

When I awoke from this dream I realized I had a lot of anger and that the guy represented many different aspects of it. All I wanted to do was escape, but there was another central theme. Loneliness. I was alone on the stairs, on the walk, on the street, and even on my beach. The only time someone was with me, they were there to yell at me and make me uncomfortable. I think the reason was I let my guard down and was torn to pieces, so I decided not to let anyone in anymore and make my own reality. Maybe I'm interpreting this wrong, but I'm open to suggestions. I am thinking about making this dream into a creative piece which is why it is important to get the interpretation down.

A lamb who went astray, has come back home today

The last two days have been very stressful and hectic. I've had a ton of homework, been running around all the time, and had some issues with some friends that really brought me down. This week I skipped church because I had stayed up to late and decided I would rather sleep in. After that my week spiraled downward. At the college I go to there is a place called BCM which stands for Baptist Campus Ministries. I used to go there all the time and to their worship services. Recently though I have not been going.

Ever since a few months ago I became more wrapped up in myself than Jesus. I focused more on what I wanted and have been lead astray basically. I focused more on boys who gave me attention and made me happy. What I realized is the "affection" they showed for me was only temporary. Their interest fades away. Jesus never leaves. He will love me in my times of happiness and sadness, unfortunately, the latter of the two has been happening more recently.

Tonight, unplanned, for the first time, I decided to go with a few friends who were going to a CRU worship service. CRU is also known as Campus Crusades for Christ. Just being there in that setting with people who love God and are so positive, I felt like I was home.

As the speaker was talking, I began to think of my life in these past few months, and realized that I have been so scattered, confused, upset, mislead, and unhappy. I realized that the one thing missing in my life was Jesus. My life at the time was going so well, I felt like I did not need Him as much, but He showed me by making the happiness I felt very temporary.

I have learned my lesson the hard way, but that is normally how God works in my life. After being in the environment I love tonight, with fellow Christians, I am ready to live my life right again. I am happy to say I will be starting my morning devotions in Ephesians once again.

I know there will be more times in my life where I will stray again, but every time God brings me back my passion is renewed. I guess all that there is left to say is a simple three words that I want to shout from a mountain: I love Jesus!