Best Friend and Boyfriend: Where Do the Paths Meet?

       You know those perfect romantic comedies? The ones where the girl is blinded by a bad romance, then ends up realizing that the right guy for her was her best friend that was there for her every time she cried? I used to never believe that these existed. I mean come on, dating your best friend? It is like believing that there is such a thing as a prince charming that will sweep you off your feet and never hurt you. Unrealistic.
     I always thought that you were supposed to date someone new. Someone that knows nothing about you so that they can get to know you. Also, a plus, is that if they hurt you, you won't be losing a long term friend. This seems logical to me. It is easier to flirt and transition into the girlfriend role when your only intentions with that person is to date them. This is not the case if the person you end up falling for is your best friend.
     I never thought in a million years that I would end up dating my best friend one day. That's something that only happens in the movies. Of course, there was always an attraction between us. I had a huge crush on him my sophomore year of college, but one thing lead to another, and I ended up dating someone else. He did as well. Once I started dating this other guy, I viewed my best friend as a brother. Weird thing was, he got engaged while I was in a relationship. I was in love with the guy I was dating, yet I was furious, and jealous of the girl that was about to marry my best friend. I knew nothing about her and felt that he deserved someone else. Well come to find out, months later, that he did want someone else...me.
     Fast forward to present day. He is no longer engaged and I am no longer in that relationship. In fact, after about two months of talking it through, my best friend and I decided to date. Now the question is how to differentiate between best friend and relationship. He was able to figure it out real fast. He had wanted to be my boyfriend for so long, that he was able to jump right into the role. He is so sweet to me and treats me better than I have ever been treated.
    Because he has been my best friend for eight years, it was hard for me at first to call him my boyfriend. It was just too weird. Now I am glad to call him my boyfriend, but it still is hard to believe. With the way he treats me, I wonder sometimes if I really deserve him. I'm still trying to transition from being just the best friend to best friend and girlfriend. I feel like I'm not doing a good job. I'm still stuck in the best friend mentality. I joke around with him and am very blunt and honest in what I say. I'm not very flirtatious or sweet because every time I think about flirting with him, I think he will find it weird. I know he probably won't because he flirts with me, but I still see the high schooler I used to play basketball with outside my house.
    I just need help finding that happy medium. I am learning. I want to treat him the way he treats me. I have never been in a situation where the guy treats the girl like a princess. Normally, I am the one who cares more and puts more into a relationship than the guy does.  Now I am stuck feeling like I'm not doing enough. People have told me that this is how it is supposed to be. The guy is supposed to treat you like a princess, but I'm just so used to being Cinderella before she met her prince.
    It may take me awhile to find where the paths meet, but I know once I do it will be amazing. I honestly don't know what the future holds for me or if my best friend will ultimately be my prince charming, but I would absolutely love it if he was.  

Swing Set

I feel like I have been in a weird funk ever since I came back from spring break. I actually started to miss home and wanted to go back because it was so relaxing. I came back to school and was bombarded with homework and exams over things that really do not matter. It made me wonder what the heck I'm even doing here.

I'm so sick of sitting around writing papers and taking tests in order to get an A in all of my classes. Everyone out there is looking for someone who has a degree and those who have a degree get paid more. I've always been the kid who looked forward to college and loved taking classes and was really smart. Now i'm just tired of it. I feel like college is holding me back.

I keep seeing new shows coming out on tv and new movies in the theater and I keep thinking to myself I could be working on a set right now. Of course you need experience, but I really don't think the director is going to care if their grip got an A on a paper they slaved over on topics like Beowulf or Sir Gawain.

This is why I am seriously concidering changing my majors to minors and adding Tv/film production as a major because then I can actually get out there and do the things I love rather than being cooped up in a dorm room freaking out about exams over math and literature. I just want to create and film! Geeze!

Over spring break there was a moment when I went to the playground at our middle school with a couple of my friends. They were discussing something about girls. I really wasn't paying attention to them at all. I just kept on swinging and staring at the clear blue sky. I started to think about what it would be like to fly. I just wanted to let go of the swing and see if i could really fly. I hadn't felt so free in such a long time. I was really upset when my friends wanted to leave and do something in their words "less childish." They didn't understand the freedom I felt.

That moment has stuck with me ever since I left to come back to college. I keep searching for that feeling again. The feeling of freedom and happiness. I just want to let go of the chain links and soar.

Lets go back in time and play outside!

I have noticed that sometimes whenever I pass by certain things I get this Déjà vu feeling. Images pop into my head and I can never tell where they are from. Sometimes I pass by an apartment complex, or a huge lawn and see the same thing, but in different lighting. It's hard to explain, but it seems like everything is in a yellow tint. I have been trying to figure out where these images are from. I could have been Staten Island, Hemet, or Evansville. Then I noticed that every time these images pop in my head, it always makes me happier. They aren't from one of these places, they are from all of them. Why? Because these were the happiest times of my life...grades k-8.

P.S. 53 was the longest time I had ever been at a school. I went from first all the way through fifth. Any normal kid would have been able to grow up with the class they went to elementary school with. Not me. I wish I would have though. To me, those kids are the ones I should have graduated from high school with, not the ones in Evansville. Anyway, off that tangent, I see a lot of images of the park behind our school, the parks on the base, and the beach I would go to with my sister a lot. Though, I had a ton of friends and there would never be a day when I wasn't outside playing with someone, in these images I am alone. Strange isn't it? The ones I get the most often are at the beach, but these get me thinking about P.S 53 and how I miss a lot of those people. Especially the ones I can't find on facebook, but were really great friends.

California and Evansville don't come as often. I get some of south beach in california, and the ones from Evansville all have to do with hanging out with my friends on Berry Lane. Those were some fun times. We would play all sorts of games, build things, etc. I guess what this blog is about is the fact that I really miss those days. The days where you went outside with your friends and played games like four square, red rover, tag, basketball, build forts, etc. Now that I am almost 20, those years of carefree playing are gone. Every time I go home I try to get my friends together to play like we used to, but it never seems to work.

I miss being a kid so much. I keep thinking about all the fun things I did from grades k-8 and I wish I could go back and re-live just those years.

Deeper meanings in my subconscious

There are many times in my life where I wish I could just go somewhere alone, stare at the sky, and be lost in thought. I had a dream last night that represents this and my feelings towards some people.

I was at a house full of people. Everyone was celebrating a holiday. I'm not sure which one, but it seemed like 4th of July. I sat on the stairs alone listening to the laughter of the unwelcome guest. Nobody wanted her there, but he brought her along anyway. I didn't want to be near any of them. Preferably, I wanted to run until I reached Mexico, but that was very unrealistic at the time. So instead I quietly left the house. I walked around one neighborhood, then the next. I turned down so many different streets, I lost track of where I was. Not that it mattered. I didn't want to be found. Finally, in the back of one of the neighborhoods, I found a quiet dead end road. I walked to the very end of the loop and laid down. There were a few clouds in the sky and I made shapes out of them. After awhile I closed my eyes and let my mind take over. I was no longer on a cold concrete floor, but a white sandy beach. I felt at peace. Some time later, one of the guys in the house, the one who brought the unwelcome guest, found me. I heard his voice call out for me. My peaceful environment was interrupted with rage.

He asked me questions and begged me to come back, but I never opened my eyes or my mouth to speak to him. He wasn't a part of my serenity, he was the nightmare that was ruining it. As soon as the sound of his voice pierced my ears, my tranquil beach turned into a monstrous hurricane. I just wanted it to end. I kept quiet, trying to fight off the dark clouds. Finally, he gave up. He called me numerous bitter names and walked off. Once he turned the corner, my beach returned to it's tranquil state, only a few gray clouds lingered. His words did hurt a little, but I didn't want to dwell on them. My body remained on the pavement, my mind on the beach.

When I awoke from this dream I realized I had a lot of anger and that the guy represented many different aspects of it. All I wanted to do was escape, but there was another central theme. Loneliness. I was alone on the stairs, on the walk, on the street, and even on my beach. The only time someone was with me, they were there to yell at me and make me uncomfortable. I think the reason was I let my guard down and was torn to pieces, so I decided not to let anyone in anymore and make my own reality. Maybe I'm interpreting this wrong, but I'm open to suggestions. I am thinking about making this dream into a creative piece which is why it is important to get the interpretation down.

A lamb who went astray, has come back home today

The last two days have been very stressful and hectic. I've had a ton of homework, been running around all the time, and had some issues with some friends that really brought me down. This week I skipped church because I had stayed up to late and decided I would rather sleep in. After that my week spiraled downward. At the college I go to there is a place called BCM which stands for Baptist Campus Ministries. I used to go there all the time and to their worship services. Recently though I have not been going.

Ever since a few months ago I became more wrapped up in myself than Jesus. I focused more on what I wanted and have been lead astray basically. I focused more on boys who gave me attention and made me happy. What I realized is the "affection" they showed for me was only temporary. Their interest fades away. Jesus never leaves. He will love me in my times of happiness and sadness, unfortunately, the latter of the two has been happening more recently.

Tonight, unplanned, for the first time, I decided to go with a few friends who were going to a CRU worship service. CRU is also known as Campus Crusades for Christ. Just being there in that setting with people who love God and are so positive, I felt like I was home.

As the speaker was talking, I began to think of my life in these past few months, and realized that I have been so scattered, confused, upset, mislead, and unhappy. I realized that the one thing missing in my life was Jesus. My life at the time was going so well, I felt like I did not need Him as much, but He showed me by making the happiness I felt very temporary.

I have learned my lesson the hard way, but that is normally how God works in my life. After being in the environment I love tonight, with fellow Christians, I am ready to live my life right again. I am happy to say I will be starting my morning devotions in Ephesians once again.

I know there will be more times in my life where I will stray again, but every time God brings me back my passion is renewed. I guess all that there is left to say is a simple three words that I want to shout from a mountain: I love Jesus!

Thank You

So it's spring semester of my sophomore year. So far it has been bitter sweet. I have many classes I'm excited about and then there are those I am stressed out about. I love my major classes and seeing everyone again, but my gen eds are driving me nuts. Particularly my math class which has a complicated online registration thing that is not working. Also not having a roommate is very lonely. I don't like going back to my room by myself. I am very stressed all ready.

To de stress I like to write and since my last blog was about my best friend, I decided to write this one about my best guy friend. It is kind of my way of saying thanks to him because I know I am a huge burden to deal with when I am stressed and upset.

The one thing that is keeping me sane is being able to talk to my best guy friend. Unfortunately he lives far away so I have to rely on technology to talk to him which is really annoying because sometimes it doesn't work. I feel bad because I've been so stressed and I feel like I keep bugging him, but if I love talking to him.

When I stress out I have panic attacks and I need someone around at that moment to calm me down. He is always there for me and helps me rationalize and feel better. Everyone needs that person in their life that they can rely on and he is that one person. He and I have no secrets. I can tell him anything, even if it's about him and I feel so comfortable. It's very odd because he and I went to elementary school together, but haven't seen each other since, yet he is the one I turn to.

Though I tell him all the time, I don't think he will fully understand how much I appreciate him. I know it's gotta be annoying when someone texts you everyday, but he never leaves. I have had friends in the past who have left me and that has lead me to believe that someday he will get tired of me and leave too. This thought scares me, but somehow I know he won't.

I made this blog with the intention of writing ideas for films or stories, but it has become more of a way to vent about things in my life or things that help me out. I know when I look back on these somehow they will inspire me because I have amazing people in my life that care about me so much. Though this blog is mainly about my best guy friend I also want to mention Krissy and Emily who live right next door to me and are always there for me too. I absolutely love you all and appreciate you in my life.

To My Best Friend

I bought my favorite movie today, Pretty in Pink. I'm always up late listening to music and I was thinking about my movie I bought then I burst into tears. My best friend and I would always watch 80s movies together. My senior year of high school her family left and moved away. That was a tough year for me and I missed having her around.

Since then she has gotten married, moved again, and has a baby. I haven't seen her in two years and she is finally coming to visit. While I was thinking about all this, something hit me. Images from all the times we had to part ways filled my mind and I started to cry. At first it was no big thing, then I started to cry real hard and started to wish she never moved away from me that year and would have stayed.

A few minutes later I realized that this was very selfish of me and started crying again. Life has it's way of working things out, but sometimes I'm stubborn and want things my way. I want her to be here with me now, but I know I have to be patient for her visit.

It's funny because I'm actually crying right now because I'm remembering all the fun things we used to do together. We were so silly. One of the things I wanted to do tonight was just hug her and tell her how much I love and miss her. We will be best friends forever no matter how many miles are in between us.

I realize this is a very short blog about someone who is very important to me and it should be longer, but it's late, I've been crying, and my thoughts are all jumbled. Writing calms me down and I know there will probably be more blogs in the future about her, like when she comes to visit. But sometimes, there is a lot more meaning behind fewer words. I love you, Tera.