Swing Set

I feel like I have been in a weird funk ever since I came back from spring break. I actually started to miss home and wanted to go back because it was so relaxing. I came back to school and was bombarded with homework and exams over things that really do not matter. It made me wonder what the heck I'm even doing here.

I'm so sick of sitting around writing papers and taking tests in order to get an A in all of my classes. Everyone out there is looking for someone who has a degree and those who have a degree get paid more. I've always been the kid who looked forward to college and loved taking classes and was really smart. Now i'm just tired of it. I feel like college is holding me back.

I keep seeing new shows coming out on tv and new movies in the theater and I keep thinking to myself I could be working on a set right now. Of course you need experience, but I really don't think the director is going to care if their grip got an A on a paper they slaved over on topics like Beowulf or Sir Gawain.

This is why I am seriously concidering changing my majors to minors and adding Tv/film production as a major because then I can actually get out there and do the things I love rather than being cooped up in a dorm room freaking out about exams over math and literature. I just want to create and film! Geeze!

Over spring break there was a moment when I went to the playground at our middle school with a couple of my friends. They were discussing something about girls. I really wasn't paying attention to them at all. I just kept on swinging and staring at the clear blue sky. I started to think about what it would be like to fly. I just wanted to let go of the swing and see if i could really fly. I hadn't felt so free in such a long time. I was really upset when my friends wanted to leave and do something in their words "less childish." They didn't understand the freedom I felt.

That moment has stuck with me ever since I left to come back to college. I keep searching for that feeling again. The feeling of freedom and happiness. I just want to let go of the chain links and soar.

Lets go back in time and play outside!

I have noticed that sometimes whenever I pass by certain things I get this Déjà vu feeling. Images pop into my head and I can never tell where they are from. Sometimes I pass by an apartment complex, or a huge lawn and see the same thing, but in different lighting. It's hard to explain, but it seems like everything is in a yellow tint. I have been trying to figure out where these images are from. I could have been Staten Island, Hemet, or Evansville. Then I noticed that every time these images pop in my head, it always makes me happier. They aren't from one of these places, they are from all of them. Why? Because these were the happiest times of my life...grades k-8.

P.S. 53 was the longest time I had ever been at a school. I went from first all the way through fifth. Any normal kid would have been able to grow up with the class they went to elementary school with. Not me. I wish I would have though. To me, those kids are the ones I should have graduated from high school with, not the ones in Evansville. Anyway, off that tangent, I see a lot of images of the park behind our school, the parks on the base, and the beach I would go to with my sister a lot. Though, I had a ton of friends and there would never be a day when I wasn't outside playing with someone, in these images I am alone. Strange isn't it? The ones I get the most often are at the beach, but these get me thinking about P.S 53 and how I miss a lot of those people. Especially the ones I can't find on facebook, but were really great friends.

California and Evansville don't come as often. I get some of south beach in california, and the ones from Evansville all have to do with hanging out with my friends on Berry Lane. Those were some fun times. We would play all sorts of games, build things, etc. I guess what this blog is about is the fact that I really miss those days. The days where you went outside with your friends and played games like four square, red rover, tag, basketball, build forts, etc. Now that I am almost 20, those years of carefree playing are gone. Every time I go home I try to get my friends together to play like we used to, but it never seems to work.

I miss being a kid so much. I keep thinking about all the fun things I did from grades k-8 and I wish I could go back and re-live just those years.

Deeper meanings in my subconscious

There are many times in my life where I wish I could just go somewhere alone, stare at the sky, and be lost in thought. I had a dream last night that represents this and my feelings towards some people.

I was at a house full of people. Everyone was celebrating a holiday. I'm not sure which one, but it seemed like 4th of July. I sat on the stairs alone listening to the laughter of the unwelcome guest. Nobody wanted her there, but he brought her along anyway. I didn't want to be near any of them. Preferably, I wanted to run until I reached Mexico, but that was very unrealistic at the time. So instead I quietly left the house. I walked around one neighborhood, then the next. I turned down so many different streets, I lost track of where I was. Not that it mattered. I didn't want to be found. Finally, in the back of one of the neighborhoods, I found a quiet dead end road. I walked to the very end of the loop and laid down. There were a few clouds in the sky and I made shapes out of them. After awhile I closed my eyes and let my mind take over. I was no longer on a cold concrete floor, but a white sandy beach. I felt at peace. Some time later, one of the guys in the house, the one who brought the unwelcome guest, found me. I heard his voice call out for me. My peaceful environment was interrupted with rage.

He asked me questions and begged me to come back, but I never opened my eyes or my mouth to speak to him. He wasn't a part of my serenity, he was the nightmare that was ruining it. As soon as the sound of his voice pierced my ears, my tranquil beach turned into a monstrous hurricane. I just wanted it to end. I kept quiet, trying to fight off the dark clouds. Finally, he gave up. He called me numerous bitter names and walked off. Once he turned the corner, my beach returned to it's tranquil state, only a few gray clouds lingered. His words did hurt a little, but I didn't want to dwell on them. My body remained on the pavement, my mind on the beach.

When I awoke from this dream I realized I had a lot of anger and that the guy represented many different aspects of it. All I wanted to do was escape, but there was another central theme. Loneliness. I was alone on the stairs, on the walk, on the street, and even on my beach. The only time someone was with me, they were there to yell at me and make me uncomfortable. I think the reason was I let my guard down and was torn to pieces, so I decided not to let anyone in anymore and make my own reality. Maybe I'm interpreting this wrong, but I'm open to suggestions. I am thinking about making this dream into a creative piece which is why it is important to get the interpretation down.

A lamb who went astray, has come back home today

The last two days have been very stressful and hectic. I've had a ton of homework, been running around all the time, and had some issues with some friends that really brought me down. This week I skipped church because I had stayed up to late and decided I would rather sleep in. After that my week spiraled downward. At the college I go to there is a place called BCM which stands for Baptist Campus Ministries. I used to go there all the time and to their worship services. Recently though I have not been going.

Ever since a few months ago I became more wrapped up in myself than Jesus. I focused more on what I wanted and have been lead astray basically. I focused more on boys who gave me attention and made me happy. What I realized is the "affection" they showed for me was only temporary. Their interest fades away. Jesus never leaves. He will love me in my times of happiness and sadness, unfortunately, the latter of the two has been happening more recently.

Tonight, unplanned, for the first time, I decided to go with a few friends who were going to a CRU worship service. CRU is also known as Campus Crusades for Christ. Just being there in that setting with people who love God and are so positive, I felt like I was home.

As the speaker was talking, I began to think of my life in these past few months, and realized that I have been so scattered, confused, upset, mislead, and unhappy. I realized that the one thing missing in my life was Jesus. My life at the time was going so well, I felt like I did not need Him as much, but He showed me by making the happiness I felt very temporary.

I have learned my lesson the hard way, but that is normally how God works in my life. After being in the environment I love tonight, with fellow Christians, I am ready to live my life right again. I am happy to say I will be starting my morning devotions in Ephesians once again.

I know there will be more times in my life where I will stray again, but every time God brings me back my passion is renewed. I guess all that there is left to say is a simple three words that I want to shout from a mountain: I love Jesus!

Thank You

So it's spring semester of my sophomore year. So far it has been bitter sweet. I have many classes I'm excited about and then there are those I am stressed out about. I love my major classes and seeing everyone again, but my gen eds are driving me nuts. Particularly my math class which has a complicated online registration thing that is not working. Also not having a roommate is very lonely. I don't like going back to my room by myself. I am very stressed all ready.

To de stress I like to write and since my last blog was about my best friend, I decided to write this one about my best guy friend. It is kind of my way of saying thanks to him because I know I am a huge burden to deal with when I am stressed and upset.

The one thing that is keeping me sane is being able to talk to my best guy friend. Unfortunately he lives far away so I have to rely on technology to talk to him which is really annoying because sometimes it doesn't work. I feel bad because I've been so stressed and I feel like I keep bugging him, but if I love talking to him.

When I stress out I have panic attacks and I need someone around at that moment to calm me down. He is always there for me and helps me rationalize and feel better. Everyone needs that person in their life that they can rely on and he is that one person. He and I have no secrets. I can tell him anything, even if it's about him and I feel so comfortable. It's very odd because he and I went to elementary school together, but haven't seen each other since, yet he is the one I turn to.

Though I tell him all the time, I don't think he will fully understand how much I appreciate him. I know it's gotta be annoying when someone texts you everyday, but he never leaves. I have had friends in the past who have left me and that has lead me to believe that someday he will get tired of me and leave too. This thought scares me, but somehow I know he won't.

I made this blog with the intention of writing ideas for films or stories, but it has become more of a way to vent about things in my life or things that help me out. I know when I look back on these somehow they will inspire me because I have amazing people in my life that care about me so much. Though this blog is mainly about my best guy friend I also want to mention Krissy and Emily who live right next door to me and are always there for me too. I absolutely love you all and appreciate you in my life.

To My Best Friend

I bought my favorite movie today, Pretty in Pink. I'm always up late listening to music and I was thinking about my movie I bought then I burst into tears. My best friend and I would always watch 80s movies together. My senior year of high school her family left and moved away. That was a tough year for me and I missed having her around.

Since then she has gotten married, moved again, and has a baby. I haven't seen her in two years and she is finally coming to visit. While I was thinking about all this, something hit me. Images from all the times we had to part ways filled my mind and I started to cry. At first it was no big thing, then I started to cry real hard and started to wish she never moved away from me that year and would have stayed.

A few minutes later I realized that this was very selfish of me and started crying again. Life has it's way of working things out, but sometimes I'm stubborn and want things my way. I want her to be here with me now, but I know I have to be patient for her visit.

It's funny because I'm actually crying right now because I'm remembering all the fun things we used to do together. We were so silly. One of the things I wanted to do tonight was just hug her and tell her how much I love and miss her. We will be best friends forever no matter how many miles are in between us.

I realize this is a very short blog about someone who is very important to me and it should be longer, but it's late, I've been crying, and my thoughts are all jumbled. Writing calms me down and I know there will probably be more blogs in the future about her, like when she comes to visit. But sometimes, there is a lot more meaning behind fewer words. I love you, Tera.

So is the life of a Military Brat

Today while I was at work I happened to glance at one of the paintings hanging on the wall. It was of a few ships at sea. If you have seen the new Chronicles of Narnia, you will know what I did next. I stared at the painting with all my might and tried to make it move and take me to Narnia. To a place where fantasy becomes reality and you are a hero.

I have realized that I have been doing a whole lot of wishful thinking lately. One in particular is the idea of having a hometown. My dad was in the military so I moved around a whole lot. So I began thinking what if California had been my home, or even New York City?

What if instead of moving again after Alaska, we stayed in California? Well the ideal scenario I picture is one where Tera (my best friend) never moves either and we both grow up together in California. I imagine that right about now we would both have an apartment by the beach and be going to UCLA. Maybe even dating some nice surfer dudes.

What if instead of moving again after California, we stayed in New York City? Well, for this case let's say everyone I knew on the military base stayed as well and never moved. Here is where I think I would be the most happy. I actually completed the whole five years of elementary school in NYC. This is where I lived out the majority of my childhood. The friends I made here I would have loved to grow up with and see everyday. I had a group of friends on the base that mainly consisted of guys, and one other girl. I believe at this point probably the girl and only one of the guys and I would have remained real close friends and maybe have gone to college together. As for relationship wise, probably one of us would be dating the guy and the other would find some gorgeous new yorker.

The point is, I picture these scenarios in my head and sometimes I wish that they really would have played out that way. I wish that I had some place to call home. Then I think about the flip side of it all. If I would have stayed in one place, I would have never moved to Indiana. If I never moved to Indiana, I would never be at WKU and met all my amazing friends I have now. I also would have never traveled a lot, and would have never gotten to meet some of the amazing people I've encountered on those trips.

If magic existed and I had one wish, would I use it to change my life to fit one of these pictures? At times, when I am really upset, I would, but when it comes down to it, would I really? I honestly don't have an answer for that. If I could change it all, I have no clue if I would or not.

Though at times it is nice to think about the what ifs in life, it can also be very dangerous. I understand my life is what it is now and will not change. I do not have a place to call home, I have many. I do not have friends I've grown up with right next door, I have ones from all over the country.

A New Beginning

So it's a new year and I realized I haven't written a blog, well ever. I have a blog already up with my short stories on it, but I have never actually written one. I became a little bit aggravated tonight and decided I needed to write, but I couldn't come up with a short story. I've been talking to one of my friend's that I went to elementary school with and through talking to him I decided it was probably a better idea to write a blog every now and then to get some thoughts out, then to try and cram out some random idea.

Though this year has just started, a few tough things have already happened. One of the main ones being the death of my first pet. He was a beta fish I named Misha Castiel Winchester and I had him for two months. I tried my best to keep him alive, but in the end it was time for him to go. I did cry over his passing, but my parents bought me two new fish and I named them Caspian and Duckie.

Even though it was "only a fish" as some might say, I did learn something from this event. There comes a time when you can't save or hold onto something or someone anymore. You just have to let them go, and it's okay to morn for awhile, it's allowed, but when the time comes to move on you need to pick yourself up and be ready. I don't look at Caspian and Duckie as Misha's replacements. I look at them as a new beginning.